Journal: August 19, 2009 – Dancing Alone

I watched Gus (Gustapoo Oakley) beside himself as his only neighbor dog, OZ, went whistling by our window, unhindered by a confarndit leash, with another dog. It took me hours to help him calm down.

Gus and I are a lot alike. Any visit, via the yard, the mail, email or cell is a gift from God. But, at the end of the day, we end up alone. Dying – or being sick – is something people forget about. Close friends whom you did everything with, laughed with; former co-workers, even family forget the fears that creep upon us, unless we bark or call attention to ourselves.

Suddenly, close friends are distant, new friends are afraid, and ultimately we are left on the sidelines, having been a dynamic player until God gave us another task.

Farm Town, FarmVille, YoVille – they take our mind off of dying, off seizurers or unemployment for awhile. But then my computer dies and I realize if it dies so will I. It’s my only window on the world. If I relied on knocks on doors or visits or phone calls they would cease as well.

I took care of many people before they died, and I didn’t get it. I got it with my Mom, to the harm of my children whom I had to ignore to care for her. My friend, who I know would be active in my life at this stage, is caring for his mother who is dancing with death.

But for the most part I dance alone, every day. If I get an email, or a ‘like’ or comment on Facebook, I am delighted, but having no computer for 2 days told me the link to the living is frail at best. If I lose my computer, I will lose all of them.

Today the only phone calls came from debt collectors, save one from my daughter. Couldn’t dying be softer, more dignified?, I ask myself. But I know it is not so any more. I hope President Obama makes good things happen for us, who are going bankrupt trying to find medical care. Who are just dying for a better plan.

Thank you, and blessings,

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