Journal: August 15, 2009 – Foggy

Felt a little ‘foggy’ today. A friend had stopped by, and it was an effort to focus on him. I said “I’m sorry but I am seeing you from a distance. Can barely hear you.” Two hours later I was in the middle of something called “Distonia” facial and body spasms, not unlike a seisure but I am fully aware of everything. The extreme pain, the terror as my eyes convulse closing shut so tightly that once it left my eyes bloodshut. My jaw clenches shut and I cannot speak, then my tongue will push through and extend to the most painful lengths, then my lips curl, nostrils close, and thru all of it I cannot speak, cannot move.

With God’s good grace my daughter, husband and grand-son came by, like if on cue. They took one look at me trapped on the couch, and went into their now experienced mode. Beth massaged my facial muscles, while Keith tried to unknot my feet and calves from their spasm, all the while saying ‘breathe, breathe, it’s not as bad as last time. You know you can do this.” And I tried to implore them with my eyes or grunts, but my hands were curling and my body was trembling. They pushed the pills through my lips, and in a moment of reprieve I could swallow, and then it would begin again, like labor pains but with no positive end except to survive.

After a few hours, they helped me into bed, stayed by my side for the next few hours, cool cloth on my head, and we wept. Wept that I had to burden them with this, and that I was burdened with this.

The next days I would not be able to move, save with cane or walker. Today I still have trembling and pain.

I pray for those who pray for us. And offer my gratitude for all the help that is offering itself to me.

It feels like a volcano errupting in the cornfields. Nothing you would expect. Something you expect will kill you.

Help, I'm in here and cannot get out.

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