There is a life beating under all of this. Just need to believe and hold on a little longer.

It’s been my usual week: signed the bankruptcy papers, foreclosure getting underway, lost phone (again, but this time with a bunch of moving boxes at my daughter’s) and my left lens out of my glasses. But it changed today. Saturday, 12/11/10.

One of my dear friends for – gosh – maybe 20 years?? or so, came to Michigan to visit me. We were co-workers for a time. Life and people move on, but I always have my friends in my heart, and they’ve at least come to understand, if not accept, my infrequent ‘hello’s’ and the more prevalent ‘good-byes’.

It had been at least 7 or more years since we had seen one another, and other than me being a bit crazier and weepier, we settled right back into the last story we told way back then. That’s something about real friendships – absence doesn’t seem to make a difference.

A few weeks ago I was reunited (thanks to Faith Magazine’s article) with some neighbors and co-workers from a couple of parishes I’d worked at. As we met for lunch we all took long looks at one another and said “you haven’t changed one darned bit!!” Until I called Bernie ‘Monica’ — and we all started laughing. Hell. It’s been 40 years!! We’re damned old wimmin. And then we compacted all that history into a 90 minute lunch. That was a miracle for sure.

And today, seeing Paula. I think it hit us like a ton of bricks that we probably won’t see one another again. She made me a lovely (and funny) neck scarf. I gave her my first ‘real’ watercolor of roses that I bought after my divorce. Should have signed it, but the moment needed the silence. I have a number of things written on as to whom gets what when I die. I was fortunate enough to be alive to give mine to her.

Last good-bye’s don’t mean we won’t talk or email. But the reality of how it will end, there will be no more of what we had, takes some getting used to, by both people. We spoke of the love we’ve had, the mistakes we’ve made with one another, and put things ‘right’ between us for this special moment.

Maybe every greeting should end in a blessing, making sure all things are settled between us. My mother (all mothers?) always said to never let the sun go down and leave an argument or misunderstanding go unresolved. I think Jesus might have said something like that, too ;o)

Remember Roger Whittaker, great baritone singer in the 70’s and 80’s? If I do this properly you can play the song for yourselves. Here is “First Hello, Last Goodbye” ….

Papa, is it ok we just sit quietly and think about this? It’s me, Vicki, and the good-bye is really just good night. For now…

I realize that it isn't just the thought of no flowers or sunny days as winter comes. It's the disappointment when the snow doesn't come and soften the harshness of the landscape. But each snowfall is like my soul feels after confession, or doing something better than the day before. Winter is a season of mourning but also of the hope that as community - FB, church, social groups - can work to keep Spring in mind, ignoring the long dark days with the sunshine we bestow on one another. Today, please pray for the lonely, jobless, abandoned, elderly and shut-ins who, like many of the flowers in my garden, may not survive this winter to see Spring. Pray that they see a rainbow to lead them to a new season, to the best place, where sadness, pain, worry and all those human foibles cannot reach.

The day was more-or-less OK. A week ago, a dentist read the article that Faith Magazine wrote about me, my illness … stuff. He called and said he wasn’t sure what he could do to help, but his specialty was creating ‘mouth guards’ (that is not the word, but close) and wondered how my sleep was, etc.

The answer to his questions was mostly ‘yes, I have that’ or just plain ‘no, I don’t know’. He said if I wanted he would drive over to MY house (about 90 minutes from where he lived) and would cast and create this thing that I will use when I sleep.

At first I was a bit nervous. I didn’t know him. But true to his word, he brought all his equipment with him, and by golly! I had one of those thingies to go to bed with that night. And the cost? Nothing. Dr. Wally will be placed forever in my heart.

There have been a lot of surprises of the heart. Yesterday my Eucharist ministers went to Mickey D’s to get me a Sausage Egg McMuffin. So I was fed spiritually, and physically.

I’m getting more & stronger muscle reactions. The new med to help the tremors, seems to have helped a lot, but the tremors were a signal to me to be ready for something bigger to happen. Most of the day my face kept grimacing. The tension and pulling hurt. But I’m staying calmer these days when they happen.

On Facebook, I was looking up some of my friends, and there was one that I had been especially close to over the years. At the time I was moving, her husband died. And I’ve been praying that she might find someone. She is so special. And, it looks like she has. She glows in the photos, looks younger, happier.

And I am envious. That was my dream, to reach this point in my life where I am financially well off, and find my soul mate. I really thought it could happen. I could have years with someone as my spouse.

If it were a choice of who of us should find love again, I’d vote it should be her. But it wasn’t a choice. And that gets me upset. A lot of what has happened in the past few years would not be my choice.

But, you knew that, Papa, didn’t you? It’s me, Vicki, feeling sorry for myself again.

And Lord, bless her and the new love in her life, please.

I’ve many posts I need to send to the blog, but if I wait too much longer, it will be Christmas. Well, heck. It’ll be Christmas with or without my permission.

It’s hard to make a list of all the things I am grateful for, and the people I cannot live without. You know who you are … I hope.

I should be grateful first to God, that I am still alive and doing reasonably well, despite myself.

And that lends to the gratitude I have for my family and extended family, without whom I could not function. Their names are Beth, Andrea, Nick; Gregg & Jess; Paigie V, Zachary, Josh, Chloe and Sam.

My muses (you know who you are) remind me to “Just keep swimming”, as Dory would say. (Nemo is the movie.)

To my neighbors, Rick & Jeannie, who just seem to know when to show up. Who do thousands of dollars worth of work, but won’t take a penny.

My Facebook friends, who are equally addicted (or pretend to be) to the games I keep trying to play. And they are getting harder to do.

My FTD comrades, who just accept me – good days or bad – because I am in a new family now, fighting to survive and save others from this terminal disease.

To Faith Magazine: Patrick, Frs. Charlie and Dwight, Elizabeth, Michael and team. Best place I ever got fired from, who still stand beside me.

I am grateful that I can still recognize the faces of those I love, even though most of our conversation these days relies on some sort of sign language and charades.

And those of wicked humor? I adore you.

And although my worst fears are coming true, many of my fears are abated by the blessings of it going at a snail’s pace, for now, just like I do.

Papa, hope you caught that. And no, I haven’t forgotten you. No blame to you but the fact that you are still beside me, gives me hope.

Love, Vicki

PS Papa, can you keep my family and friends nurturing me and making me a laugh awhile more? Then it truly is a thanksgiving.

I wonder when I die if it will be like those joker candles, where you think they are out and then, one by one, they relight themselves? Would drive the doctors nuts, for sure. I kinda like it, actually … ;o)

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.” (Pope Paul VI – who knew he was a poet?)

I fuss over gaining weight, which is good because it says I’m still a woman and have some vanity. Now I need to shop for several burial outfits to see what will fit and look the best. Do funeral directors let you know if your outfit makes your butt look fat?

If I keep chubbing up I wonder if they have an urn that can hold me? I really want to be at least a “small” – maybe curvy, too. As far as I am concerned they can throw some ash out so I fit!! Would like some ashes thrown in the AuSable … no, really. I mean it.

The good thing about shopping periodically for one ‘good’ outfit now and then is I will know how it looked on me the last time I wear it. ;o)

Should I buy a wig, I wonder? Can I trust my old lady hair to just anyone? I’m thinking not. I could go out a redhead, that might be nice.

When my grandma Bessie died, a strict Methodist I dressed her in a bright red dress, got her hair out of the “poodle/Afro thing” they all wear in nursing homes, and painted her nails bright red, earring, the whole 9 yards. Her friends said, “My goodness! She NEVER looked this good alive.” Must be the “I am not a Waitress Red” OPI nail polish (yup, it matched her lipstick. ;o)

Tomorrow my son, Pete, would be 34 years old. Doesn’t seem that it has been that long. Wonder when I meet him, if he will still look like a 2 year old or a strong, handsome auburn haired man?

Since my debut on Faith Magazine as their November cover girl, I am hearing from people I haven’t seen in over 40 years. A double gift. Thank you FAITH folks, for helping me have some wonderful memories to hang on to.

I apologize to my kids, who deserved a big shout out in that article, Beth, Andrea and Nick, and all the grands as well, and a son-in-law who’s pretty nifty too.

To see it for yourselves: Faith Magazine (Diocese of Lansing) There’s like 3 flavors of me there. And note my column!! Woot Woot.

Today, my fog lifted for 3 hours, just about the time the frost began to melt away. Welcome, Hunting Season.

Papa, I know you are here today! We didn’t fall even one time. Or, it could be my guardian angel. Anyway, it’s me, Vicki

I’ve become partial to this one for some reason. Just in case the line to heaven or purgatory is slow, you know?? ;o) Love ya!