It began as mornings do: stretching and slow moving out of bed, ballet tiptoes at the dining room table, and then to take morning meds. Suddenly I was confused and went to my office – the burgundy couch with my new laptop waiting. I opened it as I usually do (with great reverence and respect) and moved to Facebook, to check on my cafe and farms. But instead of beginning my chores, I got anxious. A quick IM and my heart began to race.
Too much was coming at me.
Trying to breathe slowly and calm down, I began my list for this Tuesday before Christmas. 1) Call in Rx 2) Sort pills 3) order groceries 4) begin St. Jude Christmas thank yous … I couldn’t write, couldn’t face one more thing.
I began to sob, huge sobs that shook my whole body. I went back into the kitchen. I had no idea what to do. I pulled and slammed shut the cupboards, overlooking the overflowing basket of pill bottles. Shaking, everything seemed out of place, like the kitchen had just exploded and everything had been destroyed.
In the bathroom, I shut the door, shaking. “I will get dressed.” But despite the neat pile of clothing stacked in easy reach, I couldn’t find anything. I pawed thru clean clothes, throwing them in to the laundry basket. No. I need something, something.
After 40 minutes of opening drawers, pawing thru everything, I look right in front of me and find my Ativan, take one. Rush to bedroom, armed with rosary and phone. I tried to txt a mssg for help. I finally remembered how to dial the phone and called my daughter, who began calming me down.
“Its just a bad day, shhhhh. It’s going to be better soon. I am on my way. Can you hold on until I get there?” I wept I could, I would stay in bed.
She came, she took care of everything. I never did change. About 8 tonite I tried again, and everything makes sense. Whatever chaos set me off was gone for now. The decisions and projects have a timeline that my family will help me with.
Besides holding a phone, a rosary and a Kleenex box, I held each of you close to me knowing you were here with me.
It was just a bad day.