Today is a dear friend’s birthday. I am nostalgic thinking of all the events we’ve shared over the last 25 years. How I could I have taken so much for granted? And how can I stop chewing on all that I could do, and figure out what the hell I can do now? (stomping foot)

So many of my friends still support me even tho’ I am silent back to them. They believe in me and know the cards they send are appreciated. But I hate my rudeness, not being able thanks to the stubborn child in my mind, to say “thank you.”

I joined “FTD Patient Forum” on Facebook, and awhile ago joined www.FTDSupportForum.com . So many people tell us, who visit, how delighted they are at how passive -even optimistic- we are. Well, truth be told there are days I am a complete bitch, nothing is right, and I pound the air with a rage I’ve never known.

Bottom line: don’t put my name in for sainthood. Should you be so inclined, talk to my children. And, it’s not going to get better as the ole noggin’ keeps shedding cells.

Papa, WHY couldn’t I lose weight as fast as I shuck off my brain? You may need more advisors, I’m thinking. Don’t ask me today, however. I am in a bad, bad mood. It’s, of course, Vicki. ;o(

I worried about my parents, grands, aunts/uncles and wondered how they were coping with Medicare or Social Security. I remember taking Grandma D to the clinic, asking what the call would cost. She wrote the check, and we were bundling up to head back out into the snow.

While I waited, one of her friends came in with her daughter, asked for their balance, since she’d forgotten her checkbook last time. The answer startled me as much as them. “Your mom has a credit balance of $3,105.00. So you don’t own anything.” What the wha???!! She’d been paying out of her pocket and the clinic was also being paid by SS.

I went back up to cashier and asked if my grandma had a credit balance? Yup, about $3,900. My dad? About the same. Me? $2,000 – Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

Why hadn’t we gotten a statement of over payment? ‘The State of Michigan only required a statement of debt.’ WHAT???? And if they died? Surely it was declared? No. I got Bessie, Dad’s and my credit back after about 6 mos – they said it was better in case a large charge came thru. Poooey.

I promised I would be alert from now on. Took a real estate course, so I wouldn’t be taken advantage of, being a woman and being single.

Worked pretty well until I developed this thing called dementia, or as I call it ‘rotting brain.’ Most recently got conned when I got Medicare and SS Disability. I was told I would receive a new card in the mail from Medicare for Rx, my BC/BS would change, and I’d be getting about $400 more a month, not paying the nearly $600 mo’ly for a full policy.

I did the Snoopy dance when my friend went to get my 1st January refill. $900. By March, this fine unknown card had saved me … uhm, nothing, and I had gone thru over $2000.

Here’s the kick. I am still paying the full Blue Cross. Next Open period?? October, starting period January 2013. Praying for us all.

So, we are still getting schnookered, and poorer. I wrote this because I was pissed, but mostly so no one else assumes private industry and government knows what they are doing, and taking care of us.

If you don’t have an advocate for things like doctor appts, or making insurance or funeral choices, a living will, a dnr and your estate (sorry that I am laughing at that one). Get one.

You can get DNR, Living Wills, etc. for free from the (your state) Catholic Conference – where I did. Hired a lawyer.

It’s hard to see my life more mucked up because of my ignorance.

Next time ask me what happens when you don’t know that you must notifify your car insurance while you cannot drive. My humble insurance pmt has just gone to $900 for 6 mos. No driving now for sure.

Papa, you know it’s Vicki cuz of all the complaints. But please protect all we anawim, we marginalized. Blessings & love to my FTD friends and families.

Christmas is coming … but I am slippin away from all I love. I have lost my freedom of choice to a brain that’s dying. Talking is tuff, but performing an action shows me I have lost “my free will”. Pray for me, and forgive me as I begin to forget you… But those cards you sent 2 years ago are here for me to connect with you again – on a day I am not frightened by my computer.

Blessings, Vicki
 

Two days after Thanksgiving: Recovered from the 8 hr kitchen foray and the overeating and the fact the sun was shining and it was warm enuf to go without a jacket I thought it time to start the Christmas season @ home. I thought, without too much trouble I could string the garland.

Now. To find the garland. Upstairs by the blue box, I’m thinking. After literally crawling around in dark spaces, I proceeded back downstairs. 2 hrs have gone by. Nada.

I give up and decide to put up my window candles, which should be easy because I leave them up all year. Aha! batteries… where the heck do I keep them? After cleaning up all the junk drawers, I decide to just go sit on the porch.

I look down at my feet and ‘voila’!! A green cord at my feet! I pull and – sure enuf – I look into my shrubs and there’s the garland. Carrying Beanni in one arm, I suffer through hanging it. Plug it in. Dead. And so it goes.

Good news, after Beanni living here 11 mos he has (knock on wood) done his ‘business’ on the training pads all day!!

Hope your house is a bit saner, but no matter what, livin’ is good.

Vicki