I write to you, my friends, daily in my heart and mind. Yet I never quite get to a keyboard.
So, in the next few weeks I will try to catch you up on life as seen through my puffy eyes ;o)
Today is the first full day of Spring. And it’s snowing. Unlike prior years I rejoice that somehow the inevitable changing of seasons, the swift passing of days, months and years has by some miracle, been put on pause.
My life feels like I’m on one of those combo moving walkways / up escalators that has somehow been speeded up, and I can’t find a way to get off. The other lanes around me are going so much slower, some folks are actually running on the walks and skipping steps to get to their destination even more quickly. I just shake my head, recognizing myself, not so long ago.
Whether it’s age or dementia, everything has escalated, making everything too fast, at a time I’m desperate to move slowly, smelling those roses I missed for so many years, to take in the sights and experiences long enough to make a memory.
I go to bed on a Monday and it seems I wake up on Sunday. What has occurred in between is but a blur.
I used to live for weekends, but now I relish the patterns of Monday – Friday. The fact that the Today show is on at 7:00a each day, that there will be a 6:00p news show. It regulates my breathing, my racing mind.
Weekends are chaos where I feel like I’m being tossed into huge voids, with no structure.
Prayer helps the panic, and it runs like background music in my brain. If I pause, I hear my mantra on auto-play.
And in honesty, I fear not the destination of death, but how long will I remember anything, any one. How long will it be when even my family cannot recognize the Vicki who was, with the person in front of them. I fear each time it takes longer and longer to form a word. And I fear each time I just give up, thought lost, frustration or anger replacing any other emotion I had had.
But today I am grateful Papa put Spring on hold – even for a few hours – so I could try to settle into it and embrace the next chapter.
With love & blessings,
Vicki
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My Dear Friend,
You discussed the topics we all think about and don’t have the answers. I, too, pray to keep the “panic” under control. A very special friend gave me a rosary. Being non-Catholic I asked a friend what you say. It was too late in to my disease to learn it all. So, assuming God talks to both you and me, I use each bead to remind me of you and many others, suffering with FTD. Friends ask why I don’t pray for a miracle, or not so politely say I am not praying hard enough. Like you, I wonder how much time is left. That is the reason to live fast. Enjoy all those things you aren’t suppose to have-Choclato, blue marguaritas, you know the rest of the story. I wish for you, that Papa surrounds you with people that understand. Love you Vicki Susan and Cindy
I so love you two!!! We must gather again & drink ble margaritas, and roll ink chocolate! My grandson is getting married in May and I look like one of those Weeble toys. I try to begin a diet but haye to deprive myself of one of my last vices.
Dearest Vicki,
Your words serve as both a reminder and a truly valuable lesson. As always, you’ve touched me in many ways. May you always find peace that Papa is beside you with each step you take on this journey. I find peace in that as well as your words. Your reminder to us to slow down, make memories and rejoice in all that is around us be it big or small, is a reminder I truly needed right now. So, as always, thank you. You continue to teach us all in your every communication.
With much love, respect and gratitude,
Michelle
Michelle, you are gift to me, in so many ways. Just seeing your name as I struggle to go to work, that is my FB games, makes me happy, like we have just chatted like old friends. I pray for all my ‘neighbors’ and you always make me smile as I send you fertilizers or some other goofy game gift.
Love, blessings and gratitude, V
Thanks once again Vicki for sharing your love for God, nature, and life with us. You are in my prayers. You will forever be Miss NACMP! Just don’t tell Sr. Rose. Ha! I’ll always remember the fun we had at the NCCL Sadlier dances. Always your friend, Chris