I write to you, my friends, daily in my heart and mind. Yet I never quite get to a keyboard.
So, in the next few weeks I will try to catch you up on life as seen through my puffy eyes ;o)
Today is the first full day of Spring. And it’s snowing. Unlike prior years I rejoice that somehow the inevitable changing of seasons, the swift passing of days, months and years has by some miracle, been put on pause.
My life feels like I’m on one of those combo moving walkways / up escalators that has somehow been speeded up, and I can’t find a way to get off. The other lanes around me are going so much slower, some folks are actually running on the walks and skipping steps to get to their destination even more quickly. I just shake my head, recognizing myself, not so long ago.
Whether it’s age or dementia, everything has escalated, making everything too fast, at a time I’m desperate to move slowly, smelling those roses I missed for so many years, to take in the sights and experiences long enough to make a memory.
I go to bed on a Monday and it seems I wake up on Sunday. What has occurred in between is but a blur.
I used to live for weekends, but now I relish the patterns of Monday – Friday. The fact that the Today show is on at 7:00a each day, that there will be a 6:00p news show. It regulates my breathing, my racing mind.
Weekends are chaos where I feel like I’m being tossed into huge voids, with no structure.
Prayer helps the panic, and it runs like background music in my brain. If I pause, I hear my mantra on auto-play.
And in honesty, I fear not the destination of death, but how long will I remember anything, any one. How long will it be when even my family cannot recognize the Vicki who was, with the person in front of them. I fear each time it takes longer and longer to form a word. And I fear each time I just give up, thought lost, frustration or anger replacing any other emotion I had had.
But today I am grateful Papa put Spring on hold – even for a few hours – so I could try to settle into it and embrace the next chapter.
With love & blessings,