My mother had a way with adages, like this one. Her ending would be “… you can’t make her eat.” Well, whether eat or drink, my brain has become that horse.
For the last 6 months, it’s like there’s a Mini-Vicki that has taken control of anything my will wants done. Maxi-me says, ‘Tomorrow I will spend 2 hrs on the computer writing, or doing my games.’ The laptop sits on the coffee table, shut. I attempt to bring it to my lap, until I am soon sobbing. “Why the hell can’t I use my computer?” And there’s no answer.
The computer could be substituted with
- eat breakfast
- take a shower
- get out of bed
- brush teeth
- call kids
- check email
- go to the bathroom…
That’s just a few of the what were everyday no-brainers. Not any more. I look at dishes on the counter that need to be loaded but my anxiety goes thru the roof.
Hygiene – made contact with some others on FTD Support Forum and some called it paralysis or numbing. You know how to do it, you intend to do it, and you just stare. Stare too long and you won’t remember what you were thinking at all. So, hygiene seems to go early on.
Simple, everyday chores now go on a “To Do” and if it isn’t on my list, it doesn’t even get a 2nd look.
I am withdrawing as fast as Mini-Vicki will go. It’s safer, no phones, no email, no visits. No pretending I am just fine – everyone has memory problems today, I am no different. And all of us are dying. Maybe this is true.
Stamina is in short supply. I probably fall with some blood pressure problems 2-3 times a day. So why would I want to go into a store? It doesn’t stop there.
Food is harder to digest. I hear my comrades are having the same problems. It makes me wonder what other overlooked taken-for-granted issue is ignored with the FTD. I understand. We are the worst patients that could ever be. But our crazy list of symptoms still leads us back to a brain that is dying.
Well, that’s enough. We know the horse has the upper hand, just as my 5 lbs Morky does. Now, where do I fit in? Maxi-& Mini-Vicki.
With love and all my prayers,