Journal: August 10, 2009 – Waiting, Wondering

Charlie just came and gave me communion. I haven’t had communion in months, but somehow, he knew. He is a young, dynamic priest in his 70s and he has elected to take me under his wing. He was the founding Editor-in-Chief of Faith Magazine, Lansing. I so needed that balm.

The dr. said it will be a tough row to hoe (what the heck does that mean? btw) We are all waiting to find out what the “last phase of FTD” means, but, alas the appointment for the rest of my life doesn’t happen until 9/29/09. It’s like finding out your have a Stage 4 cancer, and you undergo every test under God, and they say, “oh, come back in a couple of months.” I might only have a couple of months. What about my questions about how I will die with this disease, how my children will cope with that? How about I wander around, totally in apathy, bouncing from room to room trying to know who I am, and they have a drug that will help me focus? And I can’t find out about that for 2 months?? No way. How about the pre-sleep and post-sleep hallucinations? Still 2 months? You tell someone they are dying and then say, “see you in two months”? I don’t think so.

Pray for the hallucinations to stop, and pray I can see the doctor who holds my life in her hands, soon. I will have so much more peace knowing. Dying is a single path, I know. Doesn’t matter how many are there, we walk it alone.

Life changes. You become your parents. You take pills for waking and sleeping, breathing and resting, wrting and reading. Each day is a journey in and of itself.

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